Santa Claus is coming to town.
Most people are excited about it, but it’s probably best you take a little advice from everyone’s favorite internet star, Antoine Dodson and hide yo’ kids and hide yo’ wife when Santa makes his way down your chimney.
Because if you really take a close look at the guy, you probably won’t want him rummaging through your living room while you sleep.
Here are eight reasons that Santa Claus is an unfit family holiday icon.
1. He’s Obese
There’s no question that obesity is a serious problem in America. Perhaps part of the reason it’s even an issue is because, at a very early age, so many of us give our children this jolly fat man to look up to. The guy has a strict diet of cookies and candy canes and is grossly overweight, yet he still has people who wait in line for hours just to sit in his greasy lap. What kid wouldn’t want to grow up to be idolized just like Santa Claus is? That’s clearly where the gorging begins and it’s a lost cause from that moment on.
2. He’s Cocky
In the song, “Here Comes Santa Claus” which is already a song about him, even the street he uses has his name in it. You know, “…right down Santa Claus Lane…”. I mean, come on, all the streets in the world and he has to use the one that’s named after him and then have everyone sing about it? How stuck up is this guy?! He’s one speech-interruption away from being Kanye West.
3. He Pretty Much Runs a Sweatshop
Let’s be honest. The big guy gets all the glory while those elves are really the ones who do all the work. He stands around and makes them build toys, clean up after the reindeer, and prepare him for the only night the giant slacker even leaves the house all year. And all without pay or a medical plan. Come to think of it, with those credentials, if this whole Christmas thing doesn’t work out, Santa could probably find a job working for The Gap.
4. He Breaks Your Children’s Hearts
Your kid spends much of his or her early life believing in this mystical and magical being. Then comes the day when you have to break the news to them that he doesn’t actually exist. And that’s when they learn that all of those hours they spent being extra good, doing chores around the house, and writing out letters were all a bunch of BS. The Santa Claus “reveal” is the best way to give your children trust issues and also set them up for a lifetime of continuous disappointment. Thanks, Santa.
5. He’s an Expert at Breaking and Entering
I don’t understand how we give this dude a free pass every year. He’s found the cleanest and quietest way to sneak into all of our homes and we just let him do it. Sure, he drops off a few wooden sleds and crappy rocking horses, but does anyone ever check to see if Mom’s antique silver platter or Dad’s Rolex are still around on Christmas Day? Probably not. Everyone’s too busy being greedy and opening their mediocre presents to realize that the expensive stuff is good and gone.
6. “Ho Ho Ho”
Call me crazy, but is “Ho” a term you want your kids to think is appropriate early in life? Rumor has it that as a child, Charlie Sheen looked up to Santa and his triple hos and promised himself that when he was all grown up, he’d top Santa someday. I haven’t been keeping score entirely, but I’m pretty sure Charlie has at least quadrupled Santa’s three measly hos. Good for him for setting a goal and sticking to it.
7. He’s a Closeted Alcoholic
That red nose isn’t fooling anyone. Neither is that beer belly. Trust me, Santa is one sip of eggnog away from having his very own episodes of Intervention and Celebrity Rehab. As many addicts often do, Santa has tried to divert attention away from his problem by finding someone else to point a finger at. In this case, he chose a well-known reindeer whose shining red nose makes Santa’s own red complexion seem somewhat normal. But that’s like farting in a room full of people and blaming it on the dog. Not cool. Man up and admit that you have a problem. Leave Rudolph out of it.
8. He’s Thinking About YOUR Children 365 Days a Year
The man has devoted himself to knowing what your children are up to throughout the entire year. He’s even created a workshop where all the employees happen to look like young children. He knows when your kids are bad and he knows when they’re good. You know who else knows that much about your kids? The pedophile up the street. Santa’s an old man whom you yourself have never met, but you let your kids send letters to with their address and what toy they want most in the world. So… you’ve pretty much given a complete stranger the “candy” that will lure your child to his windowless sleigh. It’s beyond time that we set up a sex offender registry up at the North Pole due to the jolly old man and this sick obsession of his.